Category: Treatment

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Egg Retrieval and counting…

I think it’s safe to say, that at this moment, I have turned into a <fill in the blank>.  Perhaps it’s the nine days of multiple injections, the waking up at 4:40am to get to the clinic, or the toll that 3.5 years (and then some) has taken on me.  It may also be the added fear that the next ultrasound technician may get the wrong hole – again.  I digress.  In less than 48 hours, if all goes well tomorrow, I will be arriving at the much sought-after milestone of the ivf cycle – egg retrieval. 

I’m not excited – I’m kind of happy that the monitoring phase is coming to an end though.  There is certainly some trepidation – and I find my thoughts wandering, not unlike many women in our situation, down a path of ‘what ifs’.  What if no eggs are retrieved (I have 10, only a few at the 18mm mark)?  What if none fertilize?  What if we get to the next phase (Yay!), but there is no pregnancy?  The truth is, even if you become pregnant, give birth, have multiple children, I guess there will always be ‘What ifs’ – no matter the situation.  So, I don’t let myself dwell very long because there is no point.  If these last years have taught me anything, it’s that.  Not much good can come from wondering, second guessing, or even planning and running through different scenarios.  It’s a waste of energy and time.  To be honest, these two ivf-cycles are probably the closest I’ve come to learning to be in the present.  I’m a planner, so that is quite rare for me. 

Tonight we administer the HCG injection – and then it’s back to the clinic for more bloodwork and another ultrasound.  This is short and sweet, but I will write more in the next few days.

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Has Our Fertility Ship Sailed? – part 1

We just hit our two and a half year mark of trying to conceive.  The hormone therapy started in the fall may have produced “juicy” follicles (direct quote from my fertility specialist) and stopped my luteal phase spotting, but it did not produce a baby.  This weekend, after four negative pregnancy tests (I went a little overboard hoping I might see that double line or plus sign), my husband and I had to come to the realization that if we wanted to have children, conceiving “naturally” just wasn’t going to cut it.  To say I was emotionally distraught and felt physically sick is an understatement.  An insensitive phone call with my mother, who felt the need to say more or less “get over it” and “move on”, was the icing on the cake.  I saw the future we planned sink right before my eyes.

The devastation I felt Saturday made me realize just how much I thought we would be able to conceive within these 2.5 years.  I thought this was the month – I felt energetic, positive, and at 12dpo I thought there was a faint plus sign on my CVS pregnancy test.  Apparently it was an evap line (something new I learned).  Saturday evening I completely broke down – it felt as if my world was crumbling right in front of me and I no longer had the strength to keep rebuilding.  The thought of our inability to conceive overwhelmed my mind – I just didn’t understand why this was happening.  Why, in order for us to possibly have a family of our own (because there are no guarantees), we will have to pay?  Not being able to accomplish biology 101 blew my mind.  I felt anger, bitterness, depression, disbelief, sadness.  All these emotions, all at the same time. I was exhausted.

This will take time to come to terms with, to understand and accept.  I am nowhere near understanding and acceptance.  My husband and I are scheduled to meet with our fertility specialist on Feb 12 to discuss our options when it comes to IUI and IVF.  I don’t know if we’ll move forward with either of those options…the way I feel this week I’m ready to hang up my hat for a bit and give my body and mind break.  I suppose the “bright side” is that we can even consider doing Assisted Reproductive Technology, that financially we may be able to try it out one time…I know to even have this option is a blessing.

I suppose just like with each cycle, we enter a new phase of “wait and see”.  We’ll gather our information on IVF and IUI, do our research, and then most likely put that information aside for awhile.  I don’t think either of us can jump into any other treatments right now.  There are times when I can’t imagine us not having a family of our own, but now I’m thinking perhaps it’s just not meant to be and that is a hard pill to swallow.  As you all know, it’s exhausting, the constant appointments, ultrasounds, bloodwork, tracking.  I would lie if there isn’t a glimmer of hope inside me that this “time off” will in fact get us pregnant – you know the stories I’m talking about, the ones where “a friend of a friend stopped trying and got pregnant right away.”  I really don’t believe those stories, I think they are exaggerated.  After going through these two years, there is no way a couple can “stop trying” or “just forget” – isn’t it always in the back of your head?

Has our fertility shipped sail?  Are we at the end?  I think it’s too soon to tell, clearly our ship has taken another direction and only time will tell whether we hop aboard or decide to stay on land.

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More Tricks than Treats

October was a particularly hard month for me.   It was probably a combination of my prescribed hormone therapy (Clomid and Endometrin) and the parade of Halloween costume clad children marching up and down my Facebook newsfeed.  I was taken aback by the feelings that bubbled to the surface as I scrolled and saw parents and their children getting ready for Halloween.  I wondered if I too someday would get to make my daughter’s or son’s costume. As I watched ‘first halloweens’, a scary thought (no pun intended) entered my head “We may never get to experience this.”  I have so many plans of how my husband and I will celebrate the holidays with our own children and now I’m wondering if we’ll ever get to.  More tricks than treats…that was October.

Heading into October I had some very emotional days – one day I cried uncontrollably for most of the AM – luckily I worked from home that day.  I think this was a result of the Clomid, as this had never happened before.  The “weepiness” felt different, but I muddled through.  A small part of me thought perhaps I could be pregnant and this emotion was due to hormones.  I wasn’t. 

I did find it was possible to distract myself from the daily struggle in front of me, all it took was some sunshine from the West Coast.  We had a wonderful and much needed vacation to San Francisco.  I felt great – a full week and break from the craziness of what our lives were enduring.  We were happy.  Heck, it was possible to not think about having trouble conceiving – all that was needed was sightseeing, day tours, great food, and the sites of the Pacific coast.  It was wonderful to feel like my old self. 

We returned, another negative pregnancy test, another start of a new cycle.  I guess in my subconscious I was hoping the ever-so-popular saying from well-meaning individuals of “Just relax!” or “Take a vacation” would work wonders for our situation, it didn’t. 

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Clomid – Round 1

Last Monday I went in for my first monitoring session for Clomid.  I enter the lobby, give the guard my photo id and proceed up to the fourth floor.  I arrive at my doctor’s office, pull open the frosted glass doors, and am shocked to see the waiting room quite full.  Typically when I’ve come for other appointments there has only been a few individuals waiting to be seen.  Apparently the heavy foot traffic comes between the hours of 7:30am – 9:00am for fertility monitoring. 

A sadness washed over me as I sat there viewing the other “patients”.  I wondered how long they have been trying, what they were here for, how many tears they have shed.  Glancing around I thought these women all looked like they would be loving mothers.  The same thoughts probably running through all our heads, the feelings of shame, frustration, longing, and loneliness.  Here we were, a room full of strangers that could probably understand each other in an instant, more-so than our closest friends ever could.  I turned on my Kindle and waited for my name to be called.

The monitoring went quite quickly – an internal ultrasound followed by some blood work and then I’m out the door.  I like that my doctor has the monitor right where you can see it – she explains what is being looked at and answers any questions I have – including the question about taking Clomid at the wrong time (cycle day 1, instead of starting on cycle day 4).  No big deal she says and a script is written for just one extra tablet.  I make an appointment for the following Monday, same time, and off I go to work.

This cycle I feel quite hopeful – I feel good that we are trying something else and I feel a sense of reassurance.  I actually like that I am being monitored and feel confident that if something is amiss, we will find it this time.  Of course, in the back of my head I know the more hopeful I am the harder the disappointment may be in two weeks time.  I’m done with my round of Clomid this cycle and thankfully I had no side effects.  Tomorrow I will visit with my doctor to see how my body has responded to the medication. 

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Two Week Wait

And so it begins…the infamous two week wait.  Those two weeks where your hope begins to resurface, your dream becomes alive again, you think this could be that one cycle where it all happens.  If you’re like me and have been trying to conceive for quite some time, you may also be trying to quell these emotions.  You get excited thinking of the possibility of life growing inside you – excited that right now it’s just the two of you and in about 40 weeks there may be a new addition to your family.  You may also be just as quick to push these thoughts out of your mind, after all, you’ve been down this road before.

This is the first cycle of being on Clomid, so I feel extra hopeful – a sense of excitement that perhaps I didn’t feel a few months ago, but I also know how painful the disappointment is.  Yet, I still visit the due date predictor just to see.  I allow myself a bit of fantasizing about announcing our pregnancy to our parents.  I imagine how I will manage the third trimester riding the subway to work or perhaps by then we’ll be in the suburbs.  I imagine wonderful things, but I don’t allow it to go on for too long.  I am more cautious about the amount of caffeine I put in my body.  Just last night my husband and I had dinner and instead of ordering a mixed drink I went with a glass of wine.  I take precautions just in case – I’ve taken these precautions nearly every month since we started trying.  I don’t consume a lot of caffeine, nor do I drink much alcohol or eat unhealthy, so I’m not making huge adjustments, but during this time I won’t splurge for a pumpkin spice latte if I’ve already had my cup of coffee.

If you’ve read a few of my posts, you’re already familiar with my disdain for the baby boards.  Sometimes I still visit based on my search results in Google, after all, for all the back and forth and nonsensical information posted, there are still some gems of experience available and success stories loaded with helpful and accurate information.  One thing early on I noticed across these boards was reference to the two-week-wait and women clocking their day by day symptoms – literally a list of all 14 days of “symptoms”.  It is hard not to get wrapped up in the “early pregnancy symptom” phenomenon and read into every little change in your body.  The truth is, most women don’t experience pregnancy symptoms until their missed period.  Now, I do believe however that some women “just know”.  Especially those who have been trying to conceive quite some time– I think you start monitoring and getting to know your body better than you ever have and are probably more inclined to know when something is different.

As I enter this two week window I find myself filled with some trepidation.  Excited to see if Clomid and preseed did the trick (preseed is “sperm-friendly” – it does not affect actual conception, but I’m hoping it helped get things where they are supposed to go), but also scared that it didn’t change anything.  My husband and I are using ‘when’ instead of ‘if’ – I tend to use a combination “when/if” just in case, you know, not trying to count my chicks before they hatch. In the back of my head, which slowly makes its way front and center as these two weeks progress, I think ‘what happens if I’m still not pregnant?’  I try to stay positive and think for the best, or not think about it at all, but we all know how hard that can be.  I will also take my progesterone supplement during these two weeks as recommended by the nurse.  In my appointment a few weeks back with my fertility specialist she said we would just try Clomid, but I am scared that if the Clomid works and I fall pregnant, that the lining of my uterus will not sustain a pregnancy.  I’ve only had a few cycles where I had no luteal phase spotting and that was when I was on the progesterone.  Had the nurse recommended otherwise, then I would not have taken the supplement. 

So over these next two weeks I will need to surely find some other things to take my attention away from “possible symptoms” and counting down the days.  Let’s try and change the ‘two-week-wait’ to the ‘two-week-takeback’ – do you even remember what these two weeks in your cycle were like before you tried conceiving?  I would love to hear about the things you do during this time frame to help you focus on all the other things outside the realm of fertility. 

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A la natural

What would it have been like if we conceived naturally within months?  Two years in and believe it or not, I’m only now just beginning to think of that scenario.  I don’t feel sadness, anger, or really any emotion.  I just know it would have been different.  We would not have known the struggle of having a child, I certainly would not be as educated as I am now about our reproductive systems.  I never would have known the sensitivity of others who are fertility challenged when talking about babies.  We would have already made it through the newborn phase, witnessed a first tooth, had countless sleepless nights, we would be parents.

Friday, August 22nd, my husband and I visited with our fertility specialist.  Three cycles ago I was put on Endometrin to help sustain my uterine lining in the luteal phase.  Right after ovulation every month I would spot until my period arrived.  The first cycle on Endometrin I had no spotting – I was ecstatic!  I had been requesting a progesterone supplement for a few years, but my doctors would not budge (yes, I saw multiple doctors in search for an answer to the spotting).  Second cycle, the spotting started on cycle day 10 – this had never happened before and I was devastated.  Was my body playing some type of cruel joke on me?  Third cycle, no spotting again!  On this fourth cycle, the spotting started right when my LH surge was directed – amazingly, I didn’t have any strong emotions about this, but rather intrigued – my body was like dysfunctional clockwork, but at least there was a pattern here.

Sitting in the doctor’s office my mind starts to wander.  There are times that this seems like a foggy “dream” – we’re just wading in this abyss, looking for that ray of light that will lead us out.  I long for that day when I get to show my husband a positive test – when we get to announce to our family and friends that we are expecting – when I get to hold my son or daughter and when I am tired from nightly feedings or the baby won’t stop crying, I’ll be able to look back on these times and appreciate all that comes with being a parent.

My doctor is a quirky, cool, chic New Yorker – I wouldn’t go as far as to say she’s entertaining, but when she calls my uterus “beautiful” and says my lining is “gorgeous” one can’t help but snicker, no matter how painful this journey is.  I’m thankful for that – my husband and I can laugh at some parts of our visit and it helps elevate the mood.  Three months ago my doctor briefly mentioned IUI, but first we wanted to try a few cycles on progesterone.  This visit, IUI was mentioned again – I like my doctor a lot because she does not pressure and really tries to do the least invasive treatments first.  Next cycle, just a week or so from today, I’ll start Clomid for five days and go in for monitoring – we’ll try to conceive naturally first, which makes me happy.  I’m also happy about the monitoring of my uterus – I’ve been telling my husband that I wish I had a private doctor who could do an ultrasound every day to see what in the world is going on with the spotting.  So, I’ll take this as the next best thing. 

I think my husband is much more comfortable with IUI than I am – I really don’t want to have to conceive that way.  There isn’t anything wrong with it, but for me personally, and I think for most other women who are fertility challenged, I want to conceive as naturally as possible.  We haven’t reached that bridge yet…I’m hoping the Clomid helps, but IUI seems to be creeping on the horizon. 

About six months into trying to conceive I started looking more heavily into my spotting and the whole menstrual cycle.  Prior to trying to conceive, I would Google, rather frequently, looking for answers as to why I was spotting.  At this point, I can say it was borderline obsessive.  Inevitably, my searches led me to the baby boards and I remember seeing all these acronyms and references to “trigger shots”, “Clomid”, “HSG”, and a world of other fertility treatment jargon.  I remember thinking “Holy crap, these poor women and what they do to themselves”.  Now, here I am, two years later, going down a similar path.  I equate this to wading into the ocean, or really any body of water, your choice.  You take little steps at a time, slowly easing yourself into the cold water, and before you know it, you’re so far out that you can’t even see the shoreline anymore.  I wonder how far out we’ll go, how far until we swim back ashore, with a baby or not.  Will we even realize how far out we’ve gone?  What happens when one of us wants to keep swimming out and the other thinks it’s time to head in? 

I’m looking forward to our next cycle – I’m pretty sure I’m out this cycle as I started spotting so early.  My doctor said this still should not impair pregnancy, but after two years of this, I can’t say I’m exactly hopeful.  I’m curious to see what the ultrasound shows in the different stages, how many eggs I’ll produce, and whether the ovulation predictor kits have been right.  I’m hoping to find an answer that I’ve been after for years.

So, what is the spectrum of “Natural” – is taking hormone therapy anymore natural than trying IUI or IVF?  Where do you draw the line for yourself?  Maybe you don’t know until the time arrives.  A year ago I was sure that I would be adamantly against IUI – yet yesterday, I called my insurance to see what they would cover, you know, “just in case”.

Maybe the whole “fertility challenged” process is actually natural once we strip out the details and break it down to the simplest measure – our biological desire to procreate.  We, as lifeforms, have an innate calling to reproduce – whether that happens through conceiving in your bed at home or through treatment in your doctor’s office – we are trying to fulfill a biological destiny and it doesn’t get any more natural than that.

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Little One – where are you?

For most of my life I would say I’ve been a pessimist, or as I like to call it, a realist.  After meeting my husband my perspective on life started to change and I became much more aware of the blessings that were all around me.  I think this pulls me through every month, focusing on all we do have – but it still doesn’t take away the pain and hurt I feel for the one blessing we long for.

Earlier this week, Tuesday I think, I saw on Facebook my cousin 7 years my junior is expecting…TWINS!  This was the very first ‘news story’ that popped up on my newsfeed (funny how that works huh?).  I thought how unbelievably lucky she and her fiancé are – do they even know how blessed they are?  This is the week my period is due – two negative home pregnancy tests later and nearly 19 days post ovulation, I am still waiting.  I am taking a progesterone supplement that I start four days after my ovulation test is positive – this has stopped my luteal phase spotting for two of three cycles now – I also read online that it can delay your cycle.  Since taking the supplement my period has come on the dot 17dpo.  Feeling nauseas this week, I thought there may be a slight chance I could be pregnant, but I absolutely refused to allow myself to get any type of excited over this prospect.  I did take a test earlier in the week and it was negative, but according to those oh-so accurate baby boards, some women don’t have a positive test until well after their period is late.  I guess there was a voice in the back of my head that said “You still have a chance”.

I don’t know why I thought suppressing these hopeful feelings would make a negative test less painful – it wasn’t.  I came home from work and struggled with the idea of taking the test “just to see” or waiting until my husband got home, because if the test was positive, I wanted to be in that moment with him.  Then I thought, if it was negative, I’d rather not ruin a good evening.  No, let me be completely honest here, if it was negative I didn’t want to disappoint him.

The test was negative and the wave of disappointment washed over me, knocking me down and pulling me out to a sea of despair.  I sat on my bed and had a brief moment where no tears came, just this ache within my heart.  Shaking my head and sadly repeating the words “I can’t have children, I can’t have children”.  Now grant you, my doctors have found no other issues with my reproductive or endocrinology systems, but of course when you’re in the sea of despair you don’t think straight and your emotions take over.  I laid down to take a nap and just sobbed.  I hugged my pillow, tears falling all over, and cried.  This lasted a few minutes – at least the crying sessions have gotten shorter – and I eventually fell asleep.

The thing with the progesterone is that you have to make sure you are not pregnant before you stop it – so every month I need to either wait for my period to show or take a test (possibly reliving the disappointment all over again).  This morning, August 7, I took my last pregnancy test, thinking perhaps my sample was too diluted yesterday.  It was negative.  So, now I will stop the progesterone and start over next cycle.

Still to this day I can’t believe my husband and I are in this situation.  We are both disappointed – we are problem solvers, I sometimes have been accused of being a control freak, my husband is very logical and analyzes quite a bit – yet regardless of our strengths to find solutions and make things happen, this is something we are having a really hard time solving.  Why have we still not conceived after nearly two years of trying?  We are going to make a follow up appointment with our fertility specialist – I guess to explore our other options.  Do I want to use Artificial Reproductive Technology to have a biological child?  No, not really.  Do I feel like I am letting my husband down?  You bet.  Why do I put this on me?  I don’t know.  Maybe it’s because that is my way of controlling the answer to our question – unexplained infertility won’t suit my reasoning, but pointing the finger at myself, as illogical as that may be, will.