Category: Support

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“Just Relax”

WORST.  WORDS.  EVER.  At least to a couple struggling with infertility.  I also consider, as I’m sure most of you do, the following to be on the ‘unwanted comments’ list: “It will happen”; “Stop thinking about it”; and “Just do it”.  Whoever knew that these two words, when put together, could evoke such emotion – I’m talking anger, frustration, a feeling that makes me want to punch the other person…I never would of course.  In these two and a half years of trying to conceive, “Just relax” has got to be the biggest thorn in my side.  Nothing conveys such lack of empathy as these two words. 

What is ‘relaxing’ anyway? Isn’t it all relative?  When these two words are uttered to me, it assumes that I am not relaxed.  Just because I share the countless tests we’ve undergone as a couple, or the timing of my cycle, or how I have another doctor’s appointment, doesn’t mean I am frantic or stressing out over not getting pregnant.  I don’t believe ‘unrelaxed’ sums up my emotions over these two and half years – saddened, discouraged, and disappointed are much more accurate. Grant you, these words often come from well-meaning individuals, but intention does not change impact.

“Just don’t think about it” – ah yes, another favorite.  For most of us, not thinking about our cycle is not an option.  Cycle days 4 – 8 I take Clomid, and go in for bloodwork.  Around cycle day 10 I start looking for ovulation, around day 12 I head in for more bloodwork, and then once the smiley appears, I have to count another four days and begin taking Endometrin.  At the end of my cycle, typically around day 27, I take a pregnancy test and when no plus or double line appears, it starts all over.  Oh yes, of course intimacy gets thrown in there too!  I know many of you are on strict regimens trying to get pregnant, not thinking about “it” can be the only thing that stands in the way of conceiving or not, especially when you have medical or hormonal issues.  Why is infertility treated so differently than other health problems?  I’m asthmatic, if I couldn’t breathe, or was having long-term respiratory complications, I’m pretty sure “Just relax” and “It will happen” are not going to be offered as advice.

The more I think about these words of “encouragement” the more I realize just how angry hearing them make me.  It comes back to feeling isolated and having others close to you not understand in the slightest way what infertility is like (I’m glad they didn’t go through this struggle, I wouldn’t want this for anyone).  So what exactly is the right thing to say?  I think treating infertility like a real condition is the first step.  For those of us with unexplained infertility I think it’s especially hard for others to grasp what we’re going through or to see our struggle as a medical issue because there isn’t any one factor to point to as the culprit.  The words “Just relax”, “Stop thinking about it”, and “It will happen” all imply that we have control over our infertility – which we really don’t – we do however have control over our infertility treatment and we should never lose sight of that.  Maybe that’s really why it makes me so angry – because I know not thinking about “it” won’t magically get me pregnant, forgoing my treatment each month won’t get me closer to having a baby (we did that for nearly two years), and there are no guarantees that “it will happen”.

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In the Shadows

Perusing through The Infertility Voice’s Facebook page, my pointer slowly hovers over the ‘like’ button, and then it moves away, only to find its way back, but eventually leaves the page altogether.  With every blog post I write, or article I read related to infertility, I find myself on the fence of “liking” and “sharing”, but only to hold back.  I am still in the shadows…I still feel shame or embarrassment on some level and I shouldn’t, no one going through this should.  Only four people in my circles know about my blog and none of them have the url – that really says something.

As I wander the vast landscape of interconnecting articles, posts, and couples emotionally sharing with complete strangers online, I wonder if there is a privacy setting so no one else can see if I too chime in.  Sometimes I think it will be a relief, just to let it out and show my friends and family…all of them…that it’s been over two long years of trying to have our child.  Part of me thinks back to when Chrissy Teigen went public with her fertility struggle…it was so moving and inspiring (Tyra too), but then to find out weeks later she was expecting.  I wonder…would she have been so open if she wasn’t pregnant?  Will I be that way?  I know if my husband and I do have children I will openly share our struggle (sans some of the details of course!), but why not now?  Is it because our future is still unclear?  I don’t know the outcome for certain, and yes, I know that confines me.

I have a distant friend who adopted her son about two years ago and just gave birth to another son.  She calls them both miracles.  Some time ago, I saw her “like” a news post about a local doctor she went to – he specializes in treating endometriosis.  After visiting her Facebook page I noticed she followed an endometriosis group.  Now, here is a person to open up to – although it’s been quite some time since we saw each other, we both have endometriosis (I’m assuming) and perhaps she too has struggled with infertility.  And yet I haven’t reached out.  I am so fearful that my story will spread through the grapevine and people will start poking into our business.  It’s always been my instinct to gradually wade into the water… 

I wonder how many other couples hold back from loved ones…I wonder how many times we’ve sat across from friends or family who also struggled.  The prospect of knowledge gained should really overcome any fear we have, and yet often times it does not.  I don’t want pity, I want answers and perhaps opening up to others can provide me with those answers, or better yet, perhaps I can help someone else out.  So many of us struggle silently in reality, yet have no problems opening up to an online forum.  Perhaps that’s because we already know we have allies waiting online, complete strangers who can “get” what we are going through, more so than our closest friends and family to the best of our knowledge.

It’s a very personal thing, deciding who and when to share our struggle with…it doesn’t come easy at all.  My feelings on it change with every phase.  I don’t think I was strong enough last year or the year before to share my story openly, but I think I’m getting closer.  I know I would like to.

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Sticks and Stones…

“I give you a lot of credit…if it was me, I would have already signed the adoption papers”.  Thanks.  We’ve all been there, among family, friends, acquaintances, when the words come out that sting like the nastiest little wasp.  Some comments aren’t as blatant as others, but when the words come from those closest to us, those who we think should be in tune with how sensitive a subject infertility is, especially after we’ve opened up to them, well, it just plain sucks.

“I give you a lot of credit…if it was me, I would have already signed the adoption papers”.

Over the summer I was hanging out with a few of my friends.  One innocently asked me what I thought about having children because she and I felt similar in the past – if it happens, it happens, but we didn’t have to be moms to be happy in life.  Obviously this changed as we settled into our marriages.  I could barely get half way through my sentence before the tears came.  This was at a bar; perhaps the earlier martinis and 100 degree weather pushed me closer to the brink of tears than usual, but the emotions flooded my head.  I tried to compose myself, afterall, I was in public and typically I don’t show vulnerability, but here it was.  The four of us talked briefly, each sharing our own personal stories and feelings about pregnancy – this was support – each giving advice and listening, having a few laughs along the way.  One wasn’t in a relationship and concerned because her clock was ticking, but she didn’t know if she wanted children, but felt like she should.  The other was scared to even start trying because she knows so many women who suffered miscarriages.  My other friend just start trying to conceive and expected that she may have to use some help to get pregnant which is quite alright by her.  And here I was, two years in, arms empty, pain throughout my soul, and fear that we may never have a child of our own.

There was no “Relax, it will just happen” or “You worry too much”.  No, this was just women sharing their thoughts, each offering the other something that we couldn’t give ourselves.

Turning into a wallflower

It’s true – every social occasion with family and friends I get a little nervous because I am scared the conversation will shift to family and starting one. I dread visiting my own parents at times, I feel myself tense up, especially if the conversation innocently enough starts shifting towards family or children (anybody’s). I’m sure you can relate.  The holidays are just around the corner and in my mind I play out the scenarios and how I will respond.  There are probably other people in the room who can relate.  Part of me feels like handing out promo pieces for this blog! I’ve gotten rather good at changing the topic of conversation when I’m asked if we want kids.  In my head I’m screaming “YES!  But we’ve been trying to no avail!”, but I’m saying “So, tell me more about your FILL IN THE BLANK”.  People love to talk about themselves

Many people can be insensitive – I don’t think it’s done on purpose, I don’t think most people are even aware when they are being hurtful.  I just accept it for what it is and let it roll.  I know who I can count on for support and who I can’t.

Yes, I get completely annoyed when I hear “It will happen” or the “I know a friend of a friend” story of encouragement.  Do most people mean well?  Probably.  Will I be telling any others about our struggle?  Umm…probably not.  I’m always on the fence about sharing our journey.  I don’t want to hear “encouraging” words or advice from anyone new, but I also don’t think it’s something I need to hide or feel ashamed of….and yet I still do.

I hope these feelings dissipate over time, with or without falling pregnant.  I think when I am truly comfortable with what life has handed us, then none of these words will matter.  When I truly believe it is not my fault and I am no less of a woman than any other, then the saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” will hold true.  Until then, I will put on my “happy” face at social functions and may even step outside of my comfort zone just to see someone else eat their words…well probably not, but I can still imagine Ally McBeal style.  Stay strong…stay well…and stand tall.