Category: Emotions

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Has Our Fertility Ship Sailed? – part 2

The hope remains that we’ve take a different course that can still lead us to our destination, it’s not like we’ve struck ground and started sinking.  To be honest, sometimes having that hope annoys me, I think it would be easier to give up, take it for what it is, but funny the resiliency of the human spirit…resiliency, persistence, stubbornness, naivety, call it what you will, but it’s there.

After trying to conceive for two and half years with unexplained infertility, I often wonder how much of a relief it would be if I could just push the idea of having a family from my mind.  Ignore the biological desire, forget the fantasy I’ve put together of our family Christmases, first birthday parties, being pregnant.  If only my husband and I could just throw up our hands and say “Well, we gave it a good run!”  The unexplained part gets me – there’s no reason we shouldn’t be able to conceive, we just haven’t.  That open ended sentence that just continues into oblivion.  Will we or won’t we?  Could our time be next month or next year?  It’s the holding on to what might be that keeps us…I don’t know, stuck?  Motivated?  Hopeful?  I guess you really can look at the glass half full or empty, depending on your mood.

Is it possible to just put this on hold?  Can I go a few months where I lose track of my cycle or have I been doing this for so long that it now becomes second nature?  It’s sort of like saying “Don’t think of a big pink elephant” and then that’s all you think about!  I’ll admit, I’m scared to even “waste” a few months where we aren’t trying.  Neither of us are getting any younger, but at the same time, I can’t see us continuing this song and dance without taking some sort of break.  I guess each month has been mechanical, and perhaps that is a sign to take a break.  See what I just did there?  I referred to a month of not trying to conceive as “a waste” – YES, time to change it up!  We are supposed to be human ‘beings’ not human ‘doings’.

I don’t think anyone should feel they need to “get over” infertility – not at all.  You don’t get over it, do you?  These experiences, just like any other, will stay with you forever, no matter if you have a child or not.  Our experiences shape us regardless of how little or how much thought we put into them.  Perhaps a better piece of “advice” and hopefully what she was trying to say, is “don’t let it stop you from doing other things”.  Whether that is developing your career, being intimate for fun, or just enjoying life.  Fertility-challenged doesn’t have to become a road-block or never ending obstacle course that keeps you from the rest of your life. 

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Has Our Fertility Ship Sailed? – part 1

We just hit our two and a half year mark of trying to conceive.  The hormone therapy started in the fall may have produced “juicy” follicles (direct quote from my fertility specialist) and stopped my luteal phase spotting, but it did not produce a baby.  This weekend, after four negative pregnancy tests (I went a little overboard hoping I might see that double line or plus sign), my husband and I had to come to the realization that if we wanted to have children, conceiving “naturally” just wasn’t going to cut it.  To say I was emotionally distraught and felt physically sick is an understatement.  An insensitive phone call with my mother, who felt the need to say more or less “get over it” and “move on”, was the icing on the cake.  I saw the future we planned sink right before my eyes.

The devastation I felt Saturday made me realize just how much I thought we would be able to conceive within these 2.5 years.  I thought this was the month – I felt energetic, positive, and at 12dpo I thought there was a faint plus sign on my CVS pregnancy test.  Apparently it was an evap line (something new I learned).  Saturday evening I completely broke down – it felt as if my world was crumbling right in front of me and I no longer had the strength to keep rebuilding.  The thought of our inability to conceive overwhelmed my mind – I just didn’t understand why this was happening.  Why, in order for us to possibly have a family of our own (because there are no guarantees), we will have to pay?  Not being able to accomplish biology 101 blew my mind.  I felt anger, bitterness, depression, disbelief, sadness.  All these emotions, all at the same time. I was exhausted.

This will take time to come to terms with, to understand and accept.  I am nowhere near understanding and acceptance.  My husband and I are scheduled to meet with our fertility specialist on Feb 12 to discuss our options when it comes to IUI and IVF.  I don’t know if we’ll move forward with either of those options…the way I feel this week I’m ready to hang up my hat for a bit and give my body and mind break.  I suppose the “bright side” is that we can even consider doing Assisted Reproductive Technology, that financially we may be able to try it out one time…I know to even have this option is a blessing.

I suppose just like with each cycle, we enter a new phase of “wait and see”.  We’ll gather our information on IVF and IUI, do our research, and then most likely put that information aside for awhile.  I don’t think either of us can jump into any other treatments right now.  There are times when I can’t imagine us not having a family of our own, but now I’m thinking perhaps it’s just not meant to be and that is a hard pill to swallow.  As you all know, it’s exhausting, the constant appointments, ultrasounds, bloodwork, tracking.  I would lie if there isn’t a glimmer of hope inside me that this “time off” will in fact get us pregnant – you know the stories I’m talking about, the ones where “a friend of a friend stopped trying and got pregnant right away.”  I really don’t believe those stories, I think they are exaggerated.  After going through these two years, there is no way a couple can “stop trying” or “just forget” – isn’t it always in the back of your head?

Has our fertility shipped sail?  Are we at the end?  I think it’s too soon to tell, clearly our ship has taken another direction and only time will tell whether we hop aboard or decide to stay on land.

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“Just Relax”

WORST.  WORDS.  EVER.  At least to a couple struggling with infertility.  I also consider, as I’m sure most of you do, the following to be on the ‘unwanted comments’ list: “It will happen”; “Stop thinking about it”; and “Just do it”.  Whoever knew that these two words, when put together, could evoke such emotion – I’m talking anger, frustration, a feeling that makes me want to punch the other person…I never would of course.  In these two and a half years of trying to conceive, “Just relax” has got to be the biggest thorn in my side.  Nothing conveys such lack of empathy as these two words. 

What is ‘relaxing’ anyway? Isn’t it all relative?  When these two words are uttered to me, it assumes that I am not relaxed.  Just because I share the countless tests we’ve undergone as a couple, or the timing of my cycle, or how I have another doctor’s appointment, doesn’t mean I am frantic or stressing out over not getting pregnant.  I don’t believe ‘unrelaxed’ sums up my emotions over these two and half years – saddened, discouraged, and disappointed are much more accurate. Grant you, these words often come from well-meaning individuals, but intention does not change impact.

“Just don’t think about it” – ah yes, another favorite.  For most of us, not thinking about our cycle is not an option.  Cycle days 4 – 8 I take Clomid, and go in for bloodwork.  Around cycle day 10 I start looking for ovulation, around day 12 I head in for more bloodwork, and then once the smiley appears, I have to count another four days and begin taking Endometrin.  At the end of my cycle, typically around day 27, I take a pregnancy test and when no plus or double line appears, it starts all over.  Oh yes, of course intimacy gets thrown in there too!  I know many of you are on strict regimens trying to get pregnant, not thinking about “it” can be the only thing that stands in the way of conceiving or not, especially when you have medical or hormonal issues.  Why is infertility treated so differently than other health problems?  I’m asthmatic, if I couldn’t breathe, or was having long-term respiratory complications, I’m pretty sure “Just relax” and “It will happen” are not going to be offered as advice.

The more I think about these words of “encouragement” the more I realize just how angry hearing them make me.  It comes back to feeling isolated and having others close to you not understand in the slightest way what infertility is like (I’m glad they didn’t go through this struggle, I wouldn’t want this for anyone).  So what exactly is the right thing to say?  I think treating infertility like a real condition is the first step.  For those of us with unexplained infertility I think it’s especially hard for others to grasp what we’re going through or to see our struggle as a medical issue because there isn’t any one factor to point to as the culprit.  The words “Just relax”, “Stop thinking about it”, and “It will happen” all imply that we have control over our infertility – which we really don’t – we do however have control over our infertility treatment and we should never lose sight of that.  Maybe that’s really why it makes me so angry – because I know not thinking about “it” won’t magically get me pregnant, forgoing my treatment each month won’t get me closer to having a baby (we did that for nearly two years), and there are no guarantees that “it will happen”.

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Out with the Old…in with the New…sort of

Ahh, the new year has begun!  I can’t help but think this could be our big year – we buy a house, my career gets back on track, the work-life balance for my husband returns and yes, we fall pregnant!  It may be a new year, but it’s really just a change in the calendar, yet we as humans use this milestone as a way to start over, a fresh start to the same life, it’s as if a switch goes on that says on January 1 2016 all things will be different…or at least things can be started in that motion.

Realistically I know that because the calendar says January 1 it doesn’t really change anything in our situation.  I’m sure we still have our struggle ahead, but if the last year has taught me anything (and it sure has!) it’s that my husband and I can persevere and support one another through difficult times. We’ve made it this far…we can keep going.  As I sat on our couch last night, reflecting on 2015, I was quite surprised to find that I continued to find good memories and achievements to focus on.  The struggle with our fertility did not take center stage, in fact, it was something in the shadows that I just didn’t want to harp on.  My husband got a new job after a year from being laid off, my parents got their grant to rebuild after Hurricane Sandy and bought a small new retirement home, I’ve learned more of what I want in a career (and life), we embraced the summer and our city living, we found a good realtor (fingers-crossed) and I, we, managed the hormone therapy and constant doctor checkups.  2015 was tough, but I can now see all the positives that came from it.

I don’t have any resolutions this year – I will continue to move forward.  Yes, I will have self-doubt, moments where I think the sky is falling, heartbreak each time a home pregnancy test shows negative, but I will get through it all…I am confident of that now…and you will too.  Nothing stays the same.  A friend of a friend posted a message on Facebook just this week and to paraphrase, everything changes…all the time. If you are miserable today, you won’t always be.  The flipside is also true…if you are happy and things are going right, embrace those moments because they too will change.  I think the two work hand-in-hand…the good times pull you through your dark hours…the bad times help you appreciate all the good there is and possibly help you change your perspective.  My husband and I comment frequently how quickly the time goes…life is precious, enjoy the small moments of happiness and never forget them as you go through your struggles.  We are all blessed in more than one way…sometimes we just need to change our perspective to see all that we do have.

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Odd Woman Out

What is it with this fertility struggle that brings you back to feeling like you are in grade school?  As a 34 year old woman, I sometimes can’t believe the thoughts that enter my head when it comes to having a baby.  I sit with my two friends, one already has a 2-year-old, the other has just mentioned she and her husband are going to start trying, and the first thought that enters my head is “Oh F#ck, now I’m going to be left out”.  It’s reminiscent of not wanting to be last picked for a team, or making sure you have a seat with the girls in the cafeteria.  You don’t want to be left out…left behind in life.

The fact that I felt fear of being the only one without a child, well before my friend has even started trying, makes me feel that I have really gone off my rocker.  As we sit there and talk yet again about kids, (I suppose the topic will continue to come up when you’re in your mid-thirties), I try my best to hold back cynicism.  Sometimes I feel like a fool – sitting there, thinking to myself I’m the only one who can’t have kids.  I feel like I shouldn’t be part of the conversation, like I have no business chiming in and faking my smile. 

Just before Thanksgiving the girls and I met for dinner.  A week in advance I started preparing myself for my friend, we’ll call her ‘P’, to announce that she was pregnant.  She is the same friend who over the summer said she and her husband just started trying.  I just had a feeling this was coming.  As we order martinis, she goes for a ginger ale – this is a girl who drinks martinis whenever we get together, so immediately I knew.  She was cute with her announcement, it was very nonchalant, and after the congrats and hugs, the next 40 minutes (which seemed liked hours to me) was filled with baby and pregnancy talk.  My other two friends talked about their pregnancies, when they found out, and what it was like, meanwhile, my hands grasped firmly to the bottom of the tabletop; I literally had to keep myself from running out of the restaurant.

I’m sad to say that I couldn’t wait to get out of there.  As soon as I got in the cab, the tears swelled.  Arriving home, I could not look at my husband – I felt so worthless, ashamed, broken, as if there was something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman.  It’s as if we’re waiting on the platform and everyone else is getting on the train while my husband and I are still waiting for our ticket.  I wave happily and wish all the soon-to-be moms well, but I wonder, will we ever get to board?

I want to be encouraging and supportive to all my friends, but I’ve noticed these days I have to hold my tongue from “warning” them about waiting too long or putting your career on hold for something that may not come.  When I hear them talk about having a second baby by year’s end, immediately I want to warn about secondary infertility, but I don’t.  I hold myself back because my story isn’t their story, and chances are, it won’t be God willing. 

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More Tricks than Treats

October was a particularly hard month for me.   It was probably a combination of my prescribed hormone therapy (Clomid and Endometrin) and the parade of Halloween costume clad children marching up and down my Facebook newsfeed.  I was taken aback by the feelings that bubbled to the surface as I scrolled and saw parents and their children getting ready for Halloween.  I wondered if I too someday would get to make my daughter’s or son’s costume. As I watched ‘first halloweens’, a scary thought (no pun intended) entered my head “We may never get to experience this.”  I have so many plans of how my husband and I will celebrate the holidays with our own children and now I’m wondering if we’ll ever get to.  More tricks than treats…that was October.

Heading into October I had some very emotional days – one day I cried uncontrollably for most of the AM – luckily I worked from home that day.  I think this was a result of the Clomid, as this had never happened before.  The “weepiness” felt different, but I muddled through.  A small part of me thought perhaps I could be pregnant and this emotion was due to hormones.  I wasn’t. 

I did find it was possible to distract myself from the daily struggle in front of me, all it took was some sunshine from the West Coast.  We had a wonderful and much needed vacation to San Francisco.  I felt great – a full week and break from the craziness of what our lives were enduring.  We were happy.  Heck, it was possible to not think about having trouble conceiving – all that was needed was sightseeing, day tours, great food, and the sites of the Pacific coast.  It was wonderful to feel like my old self. 

We returned, another negative pregnancy test, another start of a new cycle.  I guess in my subconscious I was hoping the ever-so-popular saying from well-meaning individuals of “Just relax!” or “Take a vacation” would work wonders for our situation, it didn’t. 

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A Shift?

You may have already experienced a shift in mood, perception, thought, call it what you will, but there is a time I think when the sting, the heartache, the hope, the emotions, at some point change – at least for me it did in a way.  Each of us is different – you may shift all the time, you may recall a “before”, an “after”, even a “back again”.  I’m talking about when you are trying to get pregnant, and instead of having a burning pain when you see a new pregnancy announced on Facebook, you are awed by the miracle in front of you.  You no longer cringe when people talk about their newfound parenthood (I’m not there just yet!), you can smile at a mother and her toddler fussing instead of having tears well up in your eyes.  You still long to cradle your baby, but you’ve come to a point where this trial before you is manageable.  You can do this.  I can do this.  We can do this.

I remember last summer my husband received a text from one of his best friends that he and his wife were expecting a baby.  We were in our bedroom, both standing on opposite sides of the bed and he made some noise (a sigh, maybe he actually said something?), and he held out his phone.  Our eyes met and at that moment I could see the disappointment, the sadness on his face.  We’ve all been here right?  Happy for your friend, but that sneaky little voice comes in and screams “What about us?!”  I’m sure I cried later that night – I lose track.  I remember seeing announcement after announcement on Facebook (I believe there is an app that can block this sort of thing if that’s your cup of tea) and just crying, feeling like a terrible wife, a failure, then feeling guilty for having those emotions.  “Like” it is and I move on.  A newsfeed of travelling abroad slowly evolved into baby on board.  I’ve had a front row to first steps, the vaccine debate, and second babies.  Have you checked out your partner’s newsfeed?  Yeah, looks totally different than yours!  I remember seeing my mom post to her friend’s wall, congratulating her on being a grandparent –said friend then responds “It’s the best feeling in the world – you’ll see!” – ugh, the guilt!  Social media is not a fertility challenged couple’s friend.

Over time though, I started to approach this differently.  Maybe I got used to it, maybe I’m in denial and I’ve blocked out some emotions, I don’t know.  Seeing how fast my friends’ babies grow up, I like to think that my husband and I still have all this to look forward to.  Now, there are no guarantees in life, obviously, but it makes me feel better, even if it’s just for the time being.  When did this shift happen?  Maybe late spring this year – so it took awhile.  I got to a point where I couldn’t keep beating myself up over this.  I couldn’t keep crying, I couldn’t keep Googling any and all possible causes of what we were going through.  At one point, I estimated the number of days I cried (typically four or five days when I would start spotting and then another two when I got my period).  That was at minimum seven times a month (I assure you it has been many more days).  Seven days for each cycle for 1.5 years – 126 days!!!  Four months worth of tears.  No one should put themselves through that (easier said than done).  I guess I just had enough.  Yes, I am sad, yes I feel guilty, just not all the time.

Earlier this year my husband’s younger cousin announced he and his wife are expecting their first child (due November!)– immediately I was filled with guilt and a sickening feeling filled my stomach.  I felt really bad for my husband – afterall, each time we visited his 100 year old grandmother she would ask us about having a great grandbaby (we don’t see her that often as she lives out of state, and given her age she gets a free pass on baby questions).  I really wanted him to have the first great grandbaby – now, I know it’s not a competition, but it would have been nice.  I didn’t cry or anything – after the initial wave of heaviness lifted we were able to carry on.  There is still an unspoken sadness though, isn’t there?  I feel it every time my husband and I find out about another couple expecting.  You’re happy for the couple, you say things like “Oh, he is going to be a great dad” or “When are they due?”, but there is this awkwardness…the unspoken words…that fill the air. 

Over these two years I’ve come to really admire the resiliency of the human spirit – we’re still here and we’re still trying – doing the best we can.  My emotions each cycle aren’t as tumultuous as they once were and I thank God for that quite often.  I know I am exhausted, both physically and mentally, from these two years.  My husband and I have had quite a bit of stress, not only related to trying to conceive, but it definitely plays a big part.  It feels as if all the crying, anger, frustration, turmoil, is lifting from me…all that energy is leaving, and now in its place is a dull sadness (I would be lying if I said it wasn’t there) and dare I say, a bit of acceptance?  Now, acceptance doesn’t mean you give up and throw your hands in the air and call it day, no it’s simply acknowledging the situation for what it is and coping.

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The Big Blue Coaster

I don’t know what it was – a bad dream that I couldn’t remember, the feeling of cramps and knowing I was due in the next few days, or perhaps it’s the fact that this month marks nearly two years of trying to conceive.  The words sting – it makes my brow furrow, an uneasy swell in the pit of my stomach, kind of like the tip over the first big drop in a roller coaster – only the three minute ride is lasting much longer than anticipated and I cannot wait to get off.

I woke so blue Sunday morning – as soon as I opened my eyes the sinking feeling was already there.  I was so quiet, eating my breakfast while watching HGTV, but I could just feel it on my face…in my soul.  I knew I was going to work out and no matter how much I wanted to crawl back into my sheets and shut my eyes, I made sure I got my butt to the gym.  On my way out I told my husband that he didn’t have to stay.  He pulled me close, told me it was his pleasure to stay (yes, his exact words) and we had a brief laugh.  I know this hurts him – I know he wants a child – I also know he loves me.  My husband has a way about him that warms me and can bring me out of my moods (which is ever so difficult at times) – it’s the same corniness that gets him out of doing the dishes (sometimes), but I digress.  Off I trudge to the gym – trying to force a smile, take in the sun – apparently if you’re feeling sad and you fake smile it tricks your mind – that has still yet to work for me.

Off to the gym I go and it isn’t until an hour into my workout and a few Whitney Houston songs later (I highly recommend ‘Step by Step’) that I can finally feel the weight lift (no pun intended).  That’s the thing, sometimes the feeling comes from nowhere, sometimes I feel it seep in after seeing the 10th baby announcement on my Facebook feed, sometimes it’s when we’re shopping and I see baby bumps or moms losing their patience with their children.  Some days I am struck with guilt, other days I genuinely enjoy seeing a pregnant woman or child singing to their parent on the subway and I think “I get to look forward to that”.  Perhaps two years ago I myself didn’t know what a blessing a child is…maybe I never really gave it all that much thought because with a booming population, I had no idea getting pregnant was even a challenge (they don’t tell you that in health education do they?).

So here I am, on this “amusement” park of a ride…it seems I have a ‘ride all month’ pass.  The beginning of the month I think ‘OK, we’ll try again and start new’ – mid cycle and after the lovely smiley face makes its appearance on my ovulation test we get excited…WEEEEEEEE…then comes the wait…still hopeful…and then put your arms up, here we go again!  Maybe you’re more of a tilt-a-whirl gal – each month you go around in the same circle, or the scrambler – being jerked forward towards hope, only to get pulled back again.  Whether it’s push and pull, up and down, this is no fun ride.  I’ve had my fair share of emotions, but I never knew the human body could go through so many in such a short amount of time.  Perhaps that’s the silver lining- the resiliency of the human spirit.  I’ve been in this amusement park for so long, seemingly stuck in a house of horrors, that I know for each of these bad days, there will be plenty of good days.  For each tear I cry (Lord knows it’s been plenty!) I will also have laughter, and I won’t have to fake that smile.