We just hit our two and a half year mark of trying to conceive. The hormone therapy started in the fall may have produced “juicy” follicles (direct quote from my fertility specialist) and stopped my luteal phase spotting, but it did not produce a baby. This weekend, after four negative pregnancy tests (I went a little overboard hoping I might see that double line or plus sign), my husband and I had to come to the realization that if we wanted to have children, conceiving “naturally” just wasn’t going to cut it. To say I was emotionally distraught and felt physically sick is an understatement. An insensitive phone call with my mother, who felt the need to say more or less “get over it” and “move on”, was the icing on the cake. I saw the future we planned sink right before my eyes.
The devastation I felt Saturday made me realize just how much I thought we would be able to conceive within these 2.5 years. I thought this was the month – I felt energetic, positive, and at 12dpo I thought there was a faint plus sign on my CVS pregnancy test. Apparently it was an evap line (something new I learned). Saturday evening I completely broke down – it felt as if my world was crumbling right in front of me and I no longer had the strength to keep rebuilding. The thought of our inability to conceive overwhelmed my mind – I just didn’t understand why this was happening. Why, in order for us to possibly have a family of our own (because there are no guarantees), we will have to pay? Not being able to accomplish biology 101 blew my mind. I felt anger, bitterness, depression, disbelief, sadness. All these emotions, all at the same time. I was exhausted.
This will take time to come to terms with, to understand and accept. I am nowhere near understanding and acceptance. My husband and I are scheduled to meet with our fertility specialist on Feb 12 to discuss our options when it comes to IUI and IVF. I don’t know if we’ll move forward with either of those options…the way I feel this week I’m ready to hang up my hat for a bit and give my body and mind break. I suppose the “bright side” is that we can even consider doing Assisted Reproductive Technology, that financially we may be able to try it out one time…I know to even have this option is a blessing.
I suppose just like with each cycle, we enter a new phase of “wait and see”. We’ll gather our information on IVF and IUI, do our research, and then most likely put that information aside for awhile. I don’t think either of us can jump into any other treatments right now. There are times when I can’t imagine us not having a family of our own, but now I’m thinking perhaps it’s just not meant to be and that is a hard pill to swallow. As you all know, it’s exhausting, the constant appointments, ultrasounds, bloodwork, tracking. I would lie if there isn’t a glimmer of hope inside me that this “time off” will in fact get us pregnant – you know the stories I’m talking about, the ones where “a friend of a friend stopped trying and got pregnant right away.” I really don’t believe those stories, I think they are exaggerated. After going through these two years, there is no way a couple can “stop trying” or “just forget” – isn’t it always in the back of your head?
Has our fertility shipped sail? Are we at the end? I think it’s too soon to tell, clearly our ship has taken another direction and only time will tell whether we hop aboard or decide to stay on land.