October was a particularly hard month for me. It was probably a combination of my prescribed hormone therapy (Clomid and Endometrin) and the parade of Halloween costume clad children marching up and down my Facebook newsfeed. I was taken aback by the feelings that bubbled to the surface as I scrolled and saw parents and their children getting ready for Halloween. I wondered if I too someday would get to make my daughter’s or son’s costume. As I watched ‘first halloweens’, a scary thought (no pun intended) entered my head “We may never get to experience this.” I have so many plans of how my husband and I will celebrate the holidays with our own children and now I’m wondering if we’ll ever get to. More tricks than treats…that was October.
Heading into October I had some very emotional days – one day I cried uncontrollably for most of the AM – luckily I worked from home that day. I think this was a result of the Clomid, as this had never happened before. The “weepiness” felt different, but I muddled through. A small part of me thought perhaps I could be pregnant and this emotion was due to hormones. I wasn’t.
I did find it was possible to distract myself from the daily struggle in front of me, all it took was some sunshine from the West Coast. We had a wonderful and much needed vacation to San Francisco. I felt great – a full week and break from the craziness of what our lives were enduring. We were happy. Heck, it was possible to not think about having trouble conceiving – all that was needed was sightseeing, day tours, great food, and the sites of the Pacific coast. It was wonderful to feel like my old self.
We returned, another negative pregnancy test, another start of a new cycle. I guess in my subconscious I was hoping the ever-so-popular saying from well-meaning individuals of “Just relax!” or “Take a vacation” would work wonders for our situation, it didn’t.