I don’t know what it was – a bad dream that I couldn’t remember, the feeling of cramps and knowing I was due in the next few days, or perhaps it’s the fact that this month marks nearly two years of trying to conceive. The words sting – it makes my brow furrow, an uneasy swell in the pit of my stomach, kind of like the tip over the first big drop in a roller coaster – only the three minute ride is lasting much longer than anticipated and I cannot wait to get off.
I woke so blue Sunday morning – as soon as I opened my eyes the sinking feeling was already there. I was so quiet, eating my breakfast while watching HGTV, but I could just feel it on my face…in my soul. I knew I was going to work out and no matter how much I wanted to crawl back into my sheets and shut my eyes, I made sure I got my butt to the gym. On my way out I told my husband that he didn’t have to stay. He pulled me close, told me it was his pleasure to stay (yes, his exact words) and we had a brief laugh. I know this hurts him – I know he wants a child – I also know he loves me. My husband has a way about him that warms me and can bring me out of my moods (which is ever so difficult at times) – it’s the same corniness that gets him out of doing the dishes (sometimes), but I digress. Off I trudge to the gym – trying to force a smile, take in the sun – apparently if you’re feeling sad and you fake smile it tricks your mind – that has still yet to work for me.
Off to the gym I go and it isn’t until an hour into my workout and a few Whitney Houston songs later (I highly recommend ‘Step by Step’) that I can finally feel the weight lift (no pun intended). That’s the thing, sometimes the feeling comes from nowhere, sometimes I feel it seep in after seeing the 10th baby announcement on my Facebook feed, sometimes it’s when we’re shopping and I see baby bumps or moms losing their patience with their children. Some days I am struck with guilt, other days I genuinely enjoy seeing a pregnant woman or child singing to their parent on the subway and I think “I get to look forward to that”. Perhaps two years ago I myself didn’t know what a blessing a child is…maybe I never really gave it all that much thought because with a booming population, I had no idea getting pregnant was even a challenge (they don’t tell you that in health education do they?).
So here I am, on this “amusement” park of a ride…it seems I have a ‘ride all month’ pass. The beginning of the month I think ‘OK, we’ll try again and start new’ – mid cycle and after the lovely smiley face makes its appearance on my ovulation test we get excited…WEEEEEEEE…then comes the wait…still hopeful…and then put your arms up, here we go again! Maybe you’re more of a tilt-a-whirl gal – each month you go around in the same circle, or the scrambler – being jerked forward towards hope, only to get pulled back again. Whether it’s push and pull, up and down, this is no fun ride. I’ve had my fair share of emotions, but I never knew the human body could go through so many in such a short amount of time. Perhaps that’s the silver lining- the resiliency of the human spirit. I’ve been in this amusement park for so long, seemingly stuck in a house of horrors, that I know for each of these bad days, there will be plenty of good days. For each tear I cry (Lord knows it’s been plenty!) I will also have laughter, and I won’t have to fake that smile.