“I give you a lot of credit…if it was me, I would have already signed the adoption papers”. Thanks. We’ve all been there, among family, friends, acquaintances, when the words come out that sting like the nastiest little wasp. Some comments aren’t as blatant as others, but when the words come from those closest to us, those who we think should be in tune with how sensitive a subject infertility is, especially after we’ve opened up to them, well, it just plain sucks.
“I give you a lot of credit…if it was me, I would have already signed the adoption papers”.
Over the summer I was hanging out with a few of my friends. One innocently asked me what I thought about having children because she and I felt similar in the past – if it happens, it happens, but we didn’t have to be moms to be happy in life. Obviously this changed as we settled into our marriages. I could barely get half way through my sentence before the tears came. This was at a bar; perhaps the earlier martinis and 100 degree weather pushed me closer to the brink of tears than usual, but the emotions flooded my head. I tried to compose myself, afterall, I was in public and typically I don’t show vulnerability, but here it was. The four of us talked briefly, each sharing our own personal stories and feelings about pregnancy – this was support – each giving advice and listening, having a few laughs along the way. One wasn’t in a relationship and concerned because her clock was ticking, but she didn’t know if she wanted children, but felt like she should. The other was scared to even start trying because she knows so many women who suffered miscarriages. My other friend just start trying to conceive and expected that she may have to use some help to get pregnant which is quite alright by her. And here I was, two years in, arms empty, pain throughout my soul, and fear that we may never have a child of our own.
There was no “Relax, it will just happen” or “You worry too much”. No, this was just women sharing their thoughts, each offering the other something that we couldn’t give ourselves.
Turning into a wallflower
It’s true – every social occasion with family and friends I get a little nervous because I am scared the conversation will shift to family and starting one. I dread visiting my own parents at times, I feel myself tense up, especially if the conversation innocently enough starts shifting towards family or children (anybody’s). I’m sure you can relate. The holidays are just around the corner and in my mind I play out the scenarios and how I will respond. There are probably other people in the room who can relate. Part of me feels like handing out promo pieces for this blog! I’ve gotten rather good at changing the topic of conversation when I’m asked if we want kids. In my head I’m screaming “YES! But we’ve been trying to no avail!”, but I’m saying “So, tell me more about your FILL IN THE BLANK”. People love to talk about themselves
Many people can be insensitive – I don’t think it’s done on purpose, I don’t think most people are even aware when they are being hurtful. I just accept it for what it is and let it roll. I know who I can count on for support and who I can’t.
Yes, I get completely annoyed when I hear “It will happen” or the “I know a friend of a friend” story of encouragement. Do most people mean well? Probably. Will I be telling any others about our struggle? Umm…probably not. I’m always on the fence about sharing our journey. I don’t want to hear “encouraging” words or advice from anyone new, but I also don’t think it’s something I need to hide or feel ashamed of….and yet I still do.
I hope these feelings dissipate over time, with or without falling pregnant. I think when I am truly comfortable with what life has handed us, then none of these words will matter. When I truly believe it is not my fault and I am no less of a woman than any other, then the saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” will hold true. Until then, I will put on my “happy” face at social functions and may even step outside of my comfort zone just to see someone else eat their words…well probably not, but I can still imagine Ally McBeal style. Stay strong…stay well…and stand tall.