You may have already experienced a shift in mood, perception, thought, call it what you will, but there is a time I think when the sting, the heartache, the hope, the emotions, at some point change – at least for me it did in a way. Each of us is different – you may shift all the time, you may recall a “before”, an “after”, even a “back again”. I’m talking about when you are trying to get pregnant, and instead of having a burning pain when you see a new pregnancy announced on Facebook, you are awed by the miracle in front of you. You no longer cringe when people talk about their newfound parenthood (I’m not there just yet!), you can smile at a mother and her toddler fussing instead of having tears well up in your eyes. You still long to cradle your baby, but you’ve come to a point where this trial before you is manageable. You can do this. I can do this. We can do this.
I remember last summer my husband received a text from one of his best friends that he and his wife were expecting a baby. We were in our bedroom, both standing on opposite sides of the bed and he made some noise (a sigh, maybe he actually said something?), and he held out his phone. Our eyes met and at that moment I could see the disappointment, the sadness on his face. We’ve all been here right? Happy for your friend, but that sneaky little voice comes in and screams “What about us?!” I’m sure I cried later that night – I lose track. I remember seeing announcement after announcement on Facebook (I believe there is an app that can block this sort of thing if that’s your cup of tea) and just crying, feeling like a terrible wife, a failure, then feeling guilty for having those emotions. “Like” it is and I move on. A newsfeed of travelling abroad slowly evolved into baby on board. I’ve had a front row to first steps, the vaccine debate, and second babies. Have you checked out your partner’s newsfeed? Yeah, looks totally different than yours! I remember seeing my mom post to her friend’s wall, congratulating her on being a grandparent –said friend then responds “It’s the best feeling in the world – you’ll see!” – ugh, the guilt! Social media is not a fertility challenged couple’s friend.
Over time though, I started to approach this differently. Maybe I got used to it, maybe I’m in denial and I’ve blocked out some emotions, I don’t know. Seeing how fast my friends’ babies grow up, I like to think that my husband and I still have all this to look forward to. Now, there are no guarantees in life, obviously, but it makes me feel better, even if it’s just for the time being. When did this shift happen? Maybe late spring this year – so it took awhile. I got to a point where I couldn’t keep beating myself up over this. I couldn’t keep crying, I couldn’t keep Googling any and all possible causes of what we were going through. At one point, I estimated the number of days I cried (typically four or five days when I would start spotting and then another two when I got my period). That was at minimum seven times a month (I assure you it has been many more days). Seven days for each cycle for 1.5 years – 126 days!!! Four months worth of tears. No one should put themselves through that (easier said than done). I guess I just had enough. Yes, I am sad, yes I feel guilty, just not all the time.
Earlier this year my husband’s younger cousin announced he and his wife are expecting their first child (due November!)– immediately I was filled with guilt and a sickening feeling filled my stomach. I felt really bad for my husband – afterall, each time we visited his 100 year old grandmother she would ask us about having a great grandbaby (we don’t see her that often as she lives out of state, and given her age she gets a free pass on baby questions). I really wanted him to have the first great grandbaby – now, I know it’s not a competition, but it would have been nice. I didn’t cry or anything – after the initial wave of heaviness lifted we were able to carry on. There is still an unspoken sadness though, isn’t there? I feel it every time my husband and I find out about another couple expecting. You’re happy for the couple, you say things like “Oh, he is going to be a great dad” or “When are they due?”, but there is this awkwardness…the unspoken words…that fill the air.
Over these two years I’ve come to really admire the resiliency of the human spirit – we’re still here and we’re still trying – doing the best we can. My emotions each cycle aren’t as tumultuous as they once were and I thank God for that quite often. I know I am exhausted, both physically and mentally, from these two years. My husband and I have had quite a bit of stress, not only related to trying to conceive, but it definitely plays a big part. It feels as if all the crying, anger, frustration, turmoil, is lifting from me…all that energy is leaving, and now in its place is a dull sadness (I would be lying if I said it wasn’t there) and dare I say, a bit of acceptance? Now, acceptance doesn’t mean you give up and throw your hands in the air and call it day, no it’s simply acknowledging the situation for what it is and coping.