I think it’s safe to say, that at this moment, I have turned into a <fill in the blank>. Perhaps it’s the nine days of multiple injections, the waking up at 4:40am to get to the clinic, or the toll that 3.5 years (and then some) has taken on me. It may also be the added fear that the next ultrasound technician may get the wrong hole – again. I digress. In less than 48 hours, if all goes well tomorrow, I will be arriving at the much sought-after milestone of the ivf cycle – egg retrieval.
I’m not excited – I’m kind of happy that the monitoring phase is coming to an end though. There is certainly some trepidation – and I find my thoughts wandering, not unlike many women in our situation, down a path of ‘what ifs’. What if no eggs are retrieved (I have 10, only a few at the 18mm mark)? What if none fertilize? What if we get to the next phase (Yay!), but there is no pregnancy? The truth is, even if you become pregnant, give birth, have multiple children, I guess there will always be ‘What ifs’ – no matter the situation. So, I don’t let myself dwell very long because there is no point. If these last years have taught me anything, it’s that. Not much good can come from wondering, second guessing, or even planning and running through different scenarios. It’s a waste of energy and time. To be honest, these two ivf-cycles are probably the closest I’ve come to learning to be in the present. I’m a planner, so that is quite rare for me.
Tonight we administer the HCG injection – and then it’s back to the clinic for more bloodwork and another ultrasound. This is short and sweet, but I will write more in the next few days.