Yesterday I had a brief glimpse into what it might feel like to see those long-sought-after double pink lines. I’m not pregnant, although I thought I may be, regardless of the cramping, spotting, and warning signs of AF. I swear looking at my pregnancy test that I could see that second line. I looked after the 10 minute window, which was probably the first mistake. Did I stare at the single pink line for so long that a second one “appeared”? I brought it to the window, under different lights, both upstairs and downstairs, but still, I didn’t always see this phantom second line. I was in disbelief – I talked to myself – I exclaimed “There is a second line…there is a second line!” Yes, for a good portion of the day I was on the fence as to whether or not I may have finally fallen pregnant. I got excited, relieved, over either an evap line or my eyes playing tricks on me. I took another test this morning, first thing. No doubt, there was no second line.
It’s been three years this month since we decided to start a family. We’ve been at that starting line for three years…
I look at my husband and I feel awful. Here is a brilliant man, so loving and affectionate, someone who would make an amazing father and I can’t help but think I have taken that away from him. True, our journey isn’t over, but as the days pass by and one year has turned into three, we now are understanding that there is a possibility that we may never become parents. His boss just had a baby girl – now my husband will hear about and see all that he is missing. He will see the barrage of Facebook updates and probably sit back and imagine what it would be like for him. I am petrified that now he will start to resent me and will question his decision to choose me as a wife. I write with heavy hands today. All I want to do is go back to bed and cry. I want to hide, I want to cover my face. Today, I feel beat down.
When life gets tough and you feel you can’t get through, people will often say that God has bigger plans. That everything happens for a reason. That in the end you’ll learn something and come out a stronger person. Well, for the life of me, I don’t understand why we were dealt this hand. I don’t understand what God’s bigger plan for us is and quite honestly, I think it’s really messed up. I thought perhaps it was patience that I was trying to be taught. I think three years is long enough. Maybe there is no reason – maybe, as the saying goes (which I absolutely hate by the way), “it is what it is”.
This weekend we are supposed to go over our IVF packet that we received several months ago. Fortunately, I have my severance that I can use towards treatment (there’s that silver lining). I don’t want to really do it to be honest, but I know that if we don’t try it once, then we’ll always wonder what if. Perhaps it will work and we’ll be parents afterall. Perhaps it will be useful as a diagnostic tool and we’ll have an answer to our “unexplained infertility”. Perhaps it will just be money down the drain only to tell us that things didn’t go in our favor. We won’t know until we try and I think we will.