Tag: Endometrin

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“Just Relax”

WORST.  WORDS.  EVER.  At least to a couple struggling with infertility.  I also consider, as I’m sure most of you do, the following to be on the ‘unwanted comments’ list: “It will happen”; “Stop thinking about it”; and “Just do it”.  Whoever knew that these two words, when put together, could evoke such emotion – I’m talking anger, frustration, a feeling that makes me want to punch the other person…I never would of course.  In these two and a half years of trying to conceive, “Just relax” has got to be the biggest thorn in my side.  Nothing conveys such lack of empathy as these two words. 

What is ‘relaxing’ anyway? Isn’t it all relative?  When these two words are uttered to me, it assumes that I am not relaxed.  Just because I share the countless tests we’ve undergone as a couple, or the timing of my cycle, or how I have another doctor’s appointment, doesn’t mean I am frantic or stressing out over not getting pregnant.  I don’t believe ‘unrelaxed’ sums up my emotions over these two and half years – saddened, discouraged, and disappointed are much more accurate. Grant you, these words often come from well-meaning individuals, but intention does not change impact.

“Just don’t think about it” – ah yes, another favorite.  For most of us, not thinking about our cycle is not an option.  Cycle days 4 – 8 I take Clomid, and go in for bloodwork.  Around cycle day 10 I start looking for ovulation, around day 12 I head in for more bloodwork, and then once the smiley appears, I have to count another four days and begin taking Endometrin.  At the end of my cycle, typically around day 27, I take a pregnancy test and when no plus or double line appears, it starts all over.  Oh yes, of course intimacy gets thrown in there too!  I know many of you are on strict regimens trying to get pregnant, not thinking about “it” can be the only thing that stands in the way of conceiving or not, especially when you have medical or hormonal issues.  Why is infertility treated so differently than other health problems?  I’m asthmatic, if I couldn’t breathe, or was having long-term respiratory complications, I’m pretty sure “Just relax” and “It will happen” are not going to be offered as advice.

The more I think about these words of “encouragement” the more I realize just how angry hearing them make me.  It comes back to feeling isolated and having others close to you not understand in the slightest way what infertility is like (I’m glad they didn’t go through this struggle, I wouldn’t want this for anyone).  So what exactly is the right thing to say?  I think treating infertility like a real condition is the first step.  For those of us with unexplained infertility I think it’s especially hard for others to grasp what we’re going through or to see our struggle as a medical issue because there isn’t any one factor to point to as the culprit.  The words “Just relax”, “Stop thinking about it”, and “It will happen” all imply that we have control over our infertility – which we really don’t – we do however have control over our infertility treatment and we should never lose sight of that.  Maybe that’s really why it makes me so angry – because I know not thinking about “it” won’t magically get me pregnant, forgoing my treatment each month won’t get me closer to having a baby (we did that for nearly two years), and there are no guarantees that “it will happen”.

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A la natural

What would it have been like if we conceived naturally within months?  Two years in and believe it or not, I’m only now just beginning to think of that scenario.  I don’t feel sadness, anger, or really any emotion.  I just know it would have been different.  We would not have known the struggle of having a child, I certainly would not be as educated as I am now about our reproductive systems.  I never would have known the sensitivity of others who are fertility challenged when talking about babies.  We would have already made it through the newborn phase, witnessed a first tooth, had countless sleepless nights, we would be parents.

Friday, August 22nd, my husband and I visited with our fertility specialist.  Three cycles ago I was put on Endometrin to help sustain my uterine lining in the luteal phase.  Right after ovulation every month I would spot until my period arrived.  The first cycle on Endometrin I had no spotting – I was ecstatic!  I had been requesting a progesterone supplement for a few years, but my doctors would not budge (yes, I saw multiple doctors in search for an answer to the spotting).  Second cycle, the spotting started on cycle day 10 – this had never happened before and I was devastated.  Was my body playing some type of cruel joke on me?  Third cycle, no spotting again!  On this fourth cycle, the spotting started right when my LH surge was directed – amazingly, I didn’t have any strong emotions about this, but rather intrigued – my body was like dysfunctional clockwork, but at least there was a pattern here.

Sitting in the doctor’s office my mind starts to wander.  There are times that this seems like a foggy “dream” – we’re just wading in this abyss, looking for that ray of light that will lead us out.  I long for that day when I get to show my husband a positive test – when we get to announce to our family and friends that we are expecting – when I get to hold my son or daughter and when I am tired from nightly feedings or the baby won’t stop crying, I’ll be able to look back on these times and appreciate all that comes with being a parent.

My doctor is a quirky, cool, chic New Yorker – I wouldn’t go as far as to say she’s entertaining, but when she calls my uterus “beautiful” and says my lining is “gorgeous” one can’t help but snicker, no matter how painful this journey is.  I’m thankful for that – my husband and I can laugh at some parts of our visit and it helps elevate the mood.  Three months ago my doctor briefly mentioned IUI, but first we wanted to try a few cycles on progesterone.  This visit, IUI was mentioned again – I like my doctor a lot because she does not pressure and really tries to do the least invasive treatments first.  Next cycle, just a week or so from today, I’ll start Clomid for five days and go in for monitoring – we’ll try to conceive naturally first, which makes me happy.  I’m also happy about the monitoring of my uterus – I’ve been telling my husband that I wish I had a private doctor who could do an ultrasound every day to see what in the world is going on with the spotting.  So, I’ll take this as the next best thing. 

I think my husband is much more comfortable with IUI than I am – I really don’t want to have to conceive that way.  There isn’t anything wrong with it, but for me personally, and I think for most other women who are fertility challenged, I want to conceive as naturally as possible.  We haven’t reached that bridge yet…I’m hoping the Clomid helps, but IUI seems to be creeping on the horizon. 

About six months into trying to conceive I started looking more heavily into my spotting and the whole menstrual cycle.  Prior to trying to conceive, I would Google, rather frequently, looking for answers as to why I was spotting.  At this point, I can say it was borderline obsessive.  Inevitably, my searches led me to the baby boards and I remember seeing all these acronyms and references to “trigger shots”, “Clomid”, “HSG”, and a world of other fertility treatment jargon.  I remember thinking “Holy crap, these poor women and what they do to themselves”.  Now, here I am, two years later, going down a similar path.  I equate this to wading into the ocean, or really any body of water, your choice.  You take little steps at a time, slowly easing yourself into the cold water, and before you know it, you’re so far out that you can’t even see the shoreline anymore.  I wonder how far out we’ll go, how far until we swim back ashore, with a baby or not.  Will we even realize how far out we’ve gone?  What happens when one of us wants to keep swimming out and the other thinks it’s time to head in? 

I’m looking forward to our next cycle – I’m pretty sure I’m out this cycle as I started spotting so early.  My doctor said this still should not impair pregnancy, but after two years of this, I can’t say I’m exactly hopeful.  I’m curious to see what the ultrasound shows in the different stages, how many eggs I’ll produce, and whether the ovulation predictor kits have been right.  I’m hoping to find an answer that I’ve been after for years.

So, what is the spectrum of “Natural” – is taking hormone therapy anymore natural than trying IUI or IVF?  Where do you draw the line for yourself?  Maybe you don’t know until the time arrives.  A year ago I was sure that I would be adamantly against IUI – yet yesterday, I called my insurance to see what they would cover, you know, “just in case”.

Maybe the whole “fertility challenged” process is actually natural once we strip out the details and break it down to the simplest measure – our biological desire to procreate.  We, as lifeforms, have an innate calling to reproduce – whether that happens through conceiving in your bed at home or through treatment in your doctor’s office – we are trying to fulfill a biological destiny and it doesn’t get any more natural than that.

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Little One – where are you?

For most of my life I would say I’ve been a pessimist, or as I like to call it, a realist.  After meeting my husband my perspective on life started to change and I became much more aware of the blessings that were all around me.  I think this pulls me through every month, focusing on all we do have – but it still doesn’t take away the pain and hurt I feel for the one blessing we long for.

Earlier this week, Tuesday I think, I saw on Facebook my cousin 7 years my junior is expecting…TWINS!  This was the very first ‘news story’ that popped up on my newsfeed (funny how that works huh?).  I thought how unbelievably lucky she and her fiancé are – do they even know how blessed they are?  This is the week my period is due – two negative home pregnancy tests later and nearly 19 days post ovulation, I am still waiting.  I am taking a progesterone supplement that I start four days after my ovulation test is positive – this has stopped my luteal phase spotting for two of three cycles now – I also read online that it can delay your cycle.  Since taking the supplement my period has come on the dot 17dpo.  Feeling nauseas this week, I thought there may be a slight chance I could be pregnant, but I absolutely refused to allow myself to get any type of excited over this prospect.  I did take a test earlier in the week and it was negative, but according to those oh-so accurate baby boards, some women don’t have a positive test until well after their period is late.  I guess there was a voice in the back of my head that said “You still have a chance”.

I don’t know why I thought suppressing these hopeful feelings would make a negative test less painful – it wasn’t.  I came home from work and struggled with the idea of taking the test “just to see” or waiting until my husband got home, because if the test was positive, I wanted to be in that moment with him.  Then I thought, if it was negative, I’d rather not ruin a good evening.  No, let me be completely honest here, if it was negative I didn’t want to disappoint him.

The test was negative and the wave of disappointment washed over me, knocking me down and pulling me out to a sea of despair.  I sat on my bed and had a brief moment where no tears came, just this ache within my heart.  Shaking my head and sadly repeating the words “I can’t have children, I can’t have children”.  Now grant you, my doctors have found no other issues with my reproductive or endocrinology systems, but of course when you’re in the sea of despair you don’t think straight and your emotions take over.  I laid down to take a nap and just sobbed.  I hugged my pillow, tears falling all over, and cried.  This lasted a few minutes – at least the crying sessions have gotten shorter – and I eventually fell asleep.

The thing with the progesterone is that you have to make sure you are not pregnant before you stop it – so every month I need to either wait for my period to show or take a test (possibly reliving the disappointment all over again).  This morning, August 7, I took my last pregnancy test, thinking perhaps my sample was too diluted yesterday.  It was negative.  So, now I will stop the progesterone and start over next cycle.

Still to this day I can’t believe my husband and I are in this situation.  We are both disappointed – we are problem solvers, I sometimes have been accused of being a control freak, my husband is very logical and analyzes quite a bit – yet regardless of our strengths to find solutions and make things happen, this is something we are having a really hard time solving.  Why have we still not conceived after nearly two years of trying?  We are going to make a follow up appointment with our fertility specialist – I guess to explore our other options.  Do I want to use Artificial Reproductive Technology to have a biological child?  No, not really.  Do I feel like I am letting my husband down?  You bet.  Why do I put this on me?  I don’t know.  Maybe it’s because that is my way of controlling the answer to our question – unexplained infertility won’t suit my reasoning, but pointing the finger at myself, as illogical as that may be, will.