Tag: Clomid

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“Just Relax”

WORST.  WORDS.  EVER.  At least to a couple struggling with infertility.  I also consider, as I’m sure most of you do, the following to be on the ‘unwanted comments’ list: “It will happen”; “Stop thinking about it”; and “Just do it”.  Whoever knew that these two words, when put together, could evoke such emotion – I’m talking anger, frustration, a feeling that makes me want to punch the other person…I never would of course.  In these two and a half years of trying to conceive, “Just relax” has got to be the biggest thorn in my side.  Nothing conveys such lack of empathy as these two words. 

What is ‘relaxing’ anyway? Isn’t it all relative?  When these two words are uttered to me, it assumes that I am not relaxed.  Just because I share the countless tests we’ve undergone as a couple, or the timing of my cycle, or how I have another doctor’s appointment, doesn’t mean I am frantic or stressing out over not getting pregnant.  I don’t believe ‘unrelaxed’ sums up my emotions over these two and half years – saddened, discouraged, and disappointed are much more accurate. Grant you, these words often come from well-meaning individuals, but intention does not change impact.

“Just don’t think about it” – ah yes, another favorite.  For most of us, not thinking about our cycle is not an option.  Cycle days 4 – 8 I take Clomid, and go in for bloodwork.  Around cycle day 10 I start looking for ovulation, around day 12 I head in for more bloodwork, and then once the smiley appears, I have to count another four days and begin taking Endometrin.  At the end of my cycle, typically around day 27, I take a pregnancy test and when no plus or double line appears, it starts all over.  Oh yes, of course intimacy gets thrown in there too!  I know many of you are on strict regimens trying to get pregnant, not thinking about “it” can be the only thing that stands in the way of conceiving or not, especially when you have medical or hormonal issues.  Why is infertility treated so differently than other health problems?  I’m asthmatic, if I couldn’t breathe, or was having long-term respiratory complications, I’m pretty sure “Just relax” and “It will happen” are not going to be offered as advice.

The more I think about these words of “encouragement” the more I realize just how angry hearing them make me.  It comes back to feeling isolated and having others close to you not understand in the slightest way what infertility is like (I’m glad they didn’t go through this struggle, I wouldn’t want this for anyone).  So what exactly is the right thing to say?  I think treating infertility like a real condition is the first step.  For those of us with unexplained infertility I think it’s especially hard for others to grasp what we’re going through or to see our struggle as a medical issue because there isn’t any one factor to point to as the culprit.  The words “Just relax”, “Stop thinking about it”, and “It will happen” all imply that we have control over our infertility – which we really don’t – we do however have control over our infertility treatment and we should never lose sight of that.  Maybe that’s really why it makes me so angry – because I know not thinking about “it” won’t magically get me pregnant, forgoing my treatment each month won’t get me closer to having a baby (we did that for nearly two years), and there are no guarantees that “it will happen”.

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Clomid – Round 1

Last Monday I went in for my first monitoring session for Clomid.  I enter the lobby, give the guard my photo id and proceed up to the fourth floor.  I arrive at my doctor’s office, pull open the frosted glass doors, and am shocked to see the waiting room quite full.  Typically when I’ve come for other appointments there has only been a few individuals waiting to be seen.  Apparently the heavy foot traffic comes between the hours of 7:30am – 9:00am for fertility monitoring. 

A sadness washed over me as I sat there viewing the other “patients”.  I wondered how long they have been trying, what they were here for, how many tears they have shed.  Glancing around I thought these women all looked like they would be loving mothers.  The same thoughts probably running through all our heads, the feelings of shame, frustration, longing, and loneliness.  Here we were, a room full of strangers that could probably understand each other in an instant, more-so than our closest friends ever could.  I turned on my Kindle and waited for my name to be called.

The monitoring went quite quickly – an internal ultrasound followed by some blood work and then I’m out the door.  I like that my doctor has the monitor right where you can see it – she explains what is being looked at and answers any questions I have – including the question about taking Clomid at the wrong time (cycle day 1, instead of starting on cycle day 4).  No big deal she says and a script is written for just one extra tablet.  I make an appointment for the following Monday, same time, and off I go to work.

This cycle I feel quite hopeful – I feel good that we are trying something else and I feel a sense of reassurance.  I actually like that I am being monitored and feel confident that if something is amiss, we will find it this time.  Of course, in the back of my head I know the more hopeful I am the harder the disappointment may be in two weeks time.  I’m done with my round of Clomid this cycle and thankfully I had no side effects.  Tomorrow I will visit with my doctor to see how my body has responded to the medication. 

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Two Week Wait

And so it begins…the infamous two week wait.  Those two weeks where your hope begins to resurface, your dream becomes alive again, you think this could be that one cycle where it all happens.  If you’re like me and have been trying to conceive for quite some time, you may also be trying to quell these emotions.  You get excited thinking of the possibility of life growing inside you – excited that right now it’s just the two of you and in about 40 weeks there may be a new addition to your family.  You may also be just as quick to push these thoughts out of your mind, after all, you’ve been down this road before.

This is the first cycle of being on Clomid, so I feel extra hopeful – a sense of excitement that perhaps I didn’t feel a few months ago, but I also know how painful the disappointment is.  Yet, I still visit the due date predictor just to see.  I allow myself a bit of fantasizing about announcing our pregnancy to our parents.  I imagine how I will manage the third trimester riding the subway to work or perhaps by then we’ll be in the suburbs.  I imagine wonderful things, but I don’t allow it to go on for too long.  I am more cautious about the amount of caffeine I put in my body.  Just last night my husband and I had dinner and instead of ordering a mixed drink I went with a glass of wine.  I take precautions just in case – I’ve taken these precautions nearly every month since we started trying.  I don’t consume a lot of caffeine, nor do I drink much alcohol or eat unhealthy, so I’m not making huge adjustments, but during this time I won’t splurge for a pumpkin spice latte if I’ve already had my cup of coffee.

If you’ve read a few of my posts, you’re already familiar with my disdain for the baby boards.  Sometimes I still visit based on my search results in Google, after all, for all the back and forth and nonsensical information posted, there are still some gems of experience available and success stories loaded with helpful and accurate information.  One thing early on I noticed across these boards was reference to the two-week-wait and women clocking their day by day symptoms – literally a list of all 14 days of “symptoms”.  It is hard not to get wrapped up in the “early pregnancy symptom” phenomenon and read into every little change in your body.  The truth is, most women don’t experience pregnancy symptoms until their missed period.  Now, I do believe however that some women “just know”.  Especially those who have been trying to conceive quite some time– I think you start monitoring and getting to know your body better than you ever have and are probably more inclined to know when something is different.

As I enter this two week window I find myself filled with some trepidation.  Excited to see if Clomid and preseed did the trick (preseed is “sperm-friendly” – it does not affect actual conception, but I’m hoping it helped get things where they are supposed to go), but also scared that it didn’t change anything.  My husband and I are using ‘when’ instead of ‘if’ – I tend to use a combination “when/if” just in case, you know, not trying to count my chicks before they hatch. In the back of my head, which slowly makes its way front and center as these two weeks progress, I think ‘what happens if I’m still not pregnant?’  I try to stay positive and think for the best, or not think about it at all, but we all know how hard that can be.  I will also take my progesterone supplement during these two weeks as recommended by the nurse.  In my appointment a few weeks back with my fertility specialist she said we would just try Clomid, but I am scared that if the Clomid works and I fall pregnant, that the lining of my uterus will not sustain a pregnancy.  I’ve only had a few cycles where I had no luteal phase spotting and that was when I was on the progesterone.  Had the nurse recommended otherwise, then I would not have taken the supplement. 

So over these next two weeks I will need to surely find some other things to take my attention away from “possible symptoms” and counting down the days.  Let’s try and change the ‘two-week-wait’ to the ‘two-week-takeback’ – do you even remember what these two weeks in your cycle were like before you tried conceiving?  I would love to hear about the things you do during this time frame to help you focus on all the other things outside the realm of fertility.