“Not pregnant”

Every time I heard or saw these words from my test results it felt like another dagger in my heart – or to be completely honest, another breath taken from me, a part of my soul crushed. A piece of me was dying with each failed cycle – and there were so many failed cycles. What people do not understand is that you relive the disappointment month after month – and with each of these months you undergo a grieving process and that is a hard thing to get through. Whether you have completed your first round of treatment or have been in this horror house for months or years, a negative result is never easy to accept, no matter the duration of treatment.

When treatment hasn’t worked and there is no explanation – like in my case (up until the last treatment) – it is crushing. Tracking cycles, timing “it” right, sorting finances, exam after exam, followed by intrusive monitoring, poking, prodding, and more, you are completely exhausted, frustrated, and probably starting to lose hope. By the time I was going through my second IVF cycle, I felt numb. I remember waking at 4am to catch the earliest bus into Hoboken, walking four or more blocks to the clinic in the cold, and then heading to work after. My arms were bruised from the bloodwork, I was tired and sore from the hormones, and my biological clock was pounding in my head. I didn’t think it would work…I didn’t think it wouldn’t…I literally just went through the motions – ONE DAY at a TIME.

Only you and your partner can make the decision on what comes next. Do not feel pressure from anyone else – no matter their intentions. I was told to “move on” and “just adopt already” and to this day those words sting. I am so glad my husband and I made choices on what felt right for us. If your treatment hasn’t given you the results you desire, you may want to consider getting a second opinion. I know that in itself can be exhausting. A new clinic and specialist will most likely require you to redo tests, relive the history of trying to conceive, and go through their own protocol for treatment. You never know though, as a fresh pair of eyes reviewing your records may just come across something that was missed.

You may decide this particular road you are on is coming to an end. You have to do what is right for you – if you’ve exhausted your options at this time – and you’ve exhausted yourself – then maybe you need to make a turn, change lanes, or find a new interstate altogether. Be an advocate for you – and remember to self love.

I would be an absolute hypocrite if I were to go further and pretend I know what it’s like to stop treatment with no intentions of going back. I felt I was nearly there and it was mind-numbing. The heartache you are feeling is unimaginable and you owe yourself the time to grieve for this loss.

Family building comes in all shapes, sizes, and ways, so when you’re ready you may find it’s time to revisit the plan – get back in the car and see what new journey lies ahead for you. Remember how loved you are and your self worth – do not let infertility take that from you.

To our readers: if you’ve chosen another way to build your family or have stopped treatment, please feel free to share your story in the comments section – I know there are women who could use the extra support and love.