Perusing through The Infertility Voice’s Facebook page, my pointer slowly hovers over the ‘like’ button, and then it moves away, only to find its way back, but eventually leaves the page altogether. With every blog post I write, or article I read related to infertility, I find myself on the fence of “liking” and “sharing”, but only to hold back. I am still in the shadows…I still feel shame or embarrassment on some level and I shouldn’t, no one going through this should. Only four people in my circles know about my blog and none of them have the url – that really says something.
As I wander the vast landscape of interconnecting articles, posts, and couples emotionally sharing with complete strangers online, I wonder if there is a privacy setting so no one else can see if I too chime in. Sometimes I think it will be a relief, just to let it out and show my friends and family…all of them…that it’s been over two long years of trying to have our child. Part of me thinks back to when Chrissy Teigen went public with her fertility struggle…it was so moving and inspiring (Tyra too), but then to find out weeks later she was expecting. I wonder…would she have been so open if she wasn’t pregnant? Will I be that way? I know if my husband and I do have children I will openly share our struggle (sans some of the details of course!), but why not now? Is it because our future is still unclear? I don’t know the outcome for certain, and yes, I know that confines me.
I have a distant friend who adopted her son about two years ago and just gave birth to another son. She calls them both miracles. Some time ago, I saw her “like” a news post about a local doctor she went to – he specializes in treating endometriosis. After visiting her Facebook page I noticed she followed an endometriosis group. Now, here is a person to open up to – although it’s been quite some time since we saw each other, we both have endometriosis (I’m assuming) and perhaps she too has struggled with infertility. And yet I haven’t reached out. I am so fearful that my story will spread through the grapevine and people will start poking into our business. It’s always been my instinct to gradually wade into the water…
I wonder how many other couples hold back from loved ones…I wonder how many times we’ve sat across from friends or family who also struggled. The prospect of knowledge gained should really overcome any fear we have, and yet often times it does not. I don’t want pity, I want answers and perhaps opening up to others can provide me with those answers, or better yet, perhaps I can help someone else out. So many of us struggle silently in reality, yet have no problems opening up to an online forum. Perhaps that’s because we already know we have allies waiting online, complete strangers who can “get” what we are going through, more so than our closest friends and family to the best of our knowledge.
It’s a very personal thing, deciding who and when to share our struggle with…it doesn’t come easy at all. My feelings on it change with every phase. I don’t think I was strong enough last year or the year before to share my story openly, but I think I’m getting closer. I know I would like to.