About ten in 100 (6.1 million) women in the United States ages 15–44 have difficulty becoming pregnant or staying pregnant– Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
In 2015 I started this blog – it was my therapy. I cried nearly every night, every day, for over three years, We could not get pregnant and there was no explanation, It was infuriating. It was depressing. I was grieving every month with no end in sight. The unknown was the most difficult part – my husband and I were stuck in limbo and with every test, prick, prod, and poke, we were no closer to an answer. We were diagnosed with “unexplained infertility”. Spoiler Alert: we found an answer – we got pregnant – and I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in December 2017.
Below is my first entry, nearly four years ago. Looking back, I realize there were no words spoken or text read that ever took away the pain. I forced smiles, carried on with my daily routine, but inside I felt I was dying. Infertility consumed nearly every waking moment – I was present, but I wasn’t. I hope some of these words can offer you a bit of comfort – even if it’s short lived. I know it’s hard. I know you’ve been dealt a really sh*tty hand and I’m so sorry you are going through this. Remember, you already are a warrior.
September 2015
As women, we undoubtedly wear many hats…maybe more today than our mothers and grandmothers, at least certainly different styles. Daughter, sister, mother, breadwinner, caretaker, supporter, lover, student, the list is endless. Some hats we wear proudly, others not so much. I myself have quite the closet full of hats: supportive daughter, sister, loving wife, “crazy” wife, career woman, for a year breadwinner, and infertility patient. And there it is – the one hat that scorns my head more than anything I have ever put on it.
I hate the term “patient”, it implies ill, sickly – I don’t feel ill – aside from a diagnosis of mild endometriosis 2 ½ years ago nothing else is wrong. I sit there in front of my doctor nodding at everything she says, because like most fertility challenged women out there, I have already scoured the internet, medical sites, and scientific journals (yes, because I also work in publishing and know you can’t put your faith in baby forums) and know most of what she will tell me before it comes out of her mouth. I come prepared with questions and suggestions, I understand my cycle, my body, more than ever. God – these past two years I have learned so much about the female reproductive system (my poor husband too!)! I’ve read blog posts here and there, but boy do they go into so much detail! Is it just me or do the day by day “symptoms” not do good for anyone?
Everyone needs an outlet, this is now mine, PLUS, I’m sure the husband could use a break once in awhile. I hope this can be yours too – I will try to offer you a different perspective – I am so tired of crying and feeling worthless on some days – and when I used to hit those online forums I would just roll my eyes…then cry…then get hopeful…then roll my eyes again. Of course, there were some positive messages, and it’s always wonderful to see the support women give one another – how often does that happen on a day to day basis? Still though, do you really want to read about a BFN on 7dpo – and all those acronyms! WTF.
I may veer off from time to time, write about other things besides having “fertility issues” (my preference) – afterall…look how many hats we do hang up at night. We should not let just one define who we are – something I need to remind myself often.