WORST. WORDS. EVER. At least to a couple struggling with infertility. I also consider, as I’m sure most of you do, the following to be on the ‘unwanted comments’ list: “It will happen”; “Stop thinking about it”; and “Just do it”. Whoever knew that these two words, when put together, could evoke such emotion – I’m talking anger, frustration, a feeling that makes me want to punch the other person…I never would of course. In these two and a half years of trying to conceive, “Just relax” has got to be the biggest thorn in my side. Nothing conveys such lack of empathy as these two words.
What is ‘relaxing’ anyway? Isn’t it all relative? When these two words are uttered to me, it assumes that I am not relaxed. Just because I share the countless tests we’ve undergone as a couple, or the timing of my cycle, or how I have another doctor’s appointment, doesn’t mean I am frantic or stressing out over not getting pregnant. I don’t believe ‘unrelaxed’ sums up my emotions over these two and half years – saddened, discouraged, and disappointed are much more accurate. Grant you, these words often come from well-meaning individuals, but intention does not change impact.
“Just don’t think about it” – ah yes, another favorite. For most of us, not thinking about our cycle is not an option. Cycle days 4 – 8 I take Clomid, and go in for bloodwork. Around cycle day 10 I start looking for ovulation, around day 12 I head in for more bloodwork, and then once the smiley appears, I have to count another four days and begin taking Endometrin. At the end of my cycle, typically around day 27, I take a pregnancy test and when no plus or double line appears, it starts all over. Oh yes, of course intimacy gets thrown in there too! I know many of you are on strict regimens trying to get pregnant, not thinking about “it” can be the only thing that stands in the way of conceiving or not, especially when you have medical or hormonal issues. Why is infertility treated so differently than other health problems? I’m asthmatic, if I couldn’t breathe, or was having long-term respiratory complications, I’m pretty sure “Just relax” and “It will happen” are not going to be offered as advice.
The more I think about these words of “encouragement” the more I realize just how angry hearing them make me. It comes back to feeling isolated and having others close to you not understand in the slightest way what infertility is like (I’m glad they didn’t go through this struggle, I wouldn’t want this for anyone). So what exactly is the right thing to say? I think treating infertility like a real condition is the first step. For those of us with unexplained infertility I think it’s especially hard for others to grasp what we’re going through or to see our struggle as a medical issue because there isn’t any one factor to point to as the culprit. The words “Just relax”, “Stop thinking about it”, and “It will happen” all imply that we have control over our infertility – which we really don’t – we do however have control over our infertility treatment and we should never lose sight of that. Maybe that’s really why it makes me so angry – because I know not thinking about “it” won’t magically get me pregnant, forgoing my treatment each month won’t get me closer to having a baby (we did that for nearly two years), and there are no guarantees that “it will happen”.