There are days when I feel my mind is paralyzed by our fertility struggle. I find it hard to think of anything else and when I start down the dark path, it’s hard to come back. One thought leads to the next, my mind swarming with different scenarios of what our future will look like, what our families think, how worthless I am. Some daysI can hear the “clock” ticking, louder and louder with each failed cycle. Do we move forward in treatment? Do we start to look for alternatives? Do we start to consider our house down payment as possible fertility funds? This is not what I expected, I’m sure none of us did.
I find myself hesitant with family and friend gatherings. I am nervous the talk of family and the questions on when do we plan on starting our own will come up. I have plans with friends tomorrow evening and for the past few days I have been scared that another will announce her pregnancy – that will leave me the odd man out. I don’t even want to have a short visit with my Mother-in-Law out of state because I am embarrassed – yes, I feel ashamed and fight the urge to crawl into my shell and stay there. It was one thing when my mind would get consumed by infertility, but now for me physically not wanting to go into situations where the talk of babies may come up is an entirely different ball game and I don’t like it one bit – that’s not who I am.
I think I’ve faced most challenges in my life head on. I’m not afraid of confrontation, stating my own opinion, or going against the grain. I’m outspoken, stand my ground, and I believe I elude an air of confidence. Of course I’ve always struggled with insecurity – who hasn’t – but it never stopped me from trying to get what I want in life. Infertility is slowly…has eaten away at these traits…I feel it, I see it. Like an acid, it has corroded into nearly all aspects of me. I know at some point this will need to change on my end, there is no guarantee that we will ever have child, and I am not willing to go through life meek and ashamed (ah, there’s that bit of spark coming back!).
When I work from home, inevitably my mind wonders into the realm of being fertility challenged and sometimes it gets stuck there for quite awhile. Typically after some tears and online searching I bounce back, other days I’m not so resilient. It doesn’t help of course when you have to be monitored at the doctor – how are you supposed to “forget about it” and “relax” when you need to keep track of ovulation, doctor appointments, and drug therapy? “Trying to conceive” is marked in all my doctor charts, so even when I go to my allergist (like yesterday) or my primary care doctor, the comment/question of “Are you still trying to conceive?” naturally comes up. I feel my whole soul slowly cave in…kind of like a mushy pile folding in on itself. Those are the days I can do without.
I’ve noticed I tend to nap more and I feel like my face is frowning when I’m in our apartment alone. I often remind myself to smile and watch the curve of my mouth – who wants permanent frownie lines! I try to give myself a reality check and remind myself that some of my hardest thoughts are not based on any evidence and that it’s just the insecurities of infertility toying with me. My husband won’t leave me for another woman. His mother won’t tell him to shop around for a new wife. I am no less of a woman, wife, daughter, because I have yet to have a child.
I don’t know when our time to be parents will come. I sometimes think maybe we already are parents, sacrificing and doing what we can for our child now, even if they aren’t here yet.